They do consume the thing that feeds their fury. -The Taming of the Shrew, Shakespeare    

     I have written one entry since I have moved to Orlando, started college at University of Central Florida, and as of Monday, I am an adult-in the legal sense of the word, anyway.  A lot of things have happened, I suppose-but more internally than anything else.  Matters of the heart, brain, and both remain contradictory even just within myself, and this endless struggle between the two seems to never cease.  My brain tells me to let go of Eddie-again.  He will forever be the same jealous, insecure, and steadfast guy that I broke up with for five months last year...and then I went back, almost exactly a year ago.  When feeling logical and proud, I tell him I cannot do this anymore.  It still makes me sick to my stomach, though.  I've never seen some one exhibit such an interest in my life and a desire to be in it as he has-yet, he continues his selfish and annoying pursuit of the entirety of my private life and the inner-workings of my mind.  Not only am I too young to accept giving something I hold so dear so that he can sleep at night, but my thoughts and wishes are only consistent in that they continue to sway, and they are too complicated to write down by myself these days, let alone voice.  When I really analyze it, as I do all to often with nearly everything, I conclude that perhaps I merely love the way that he loves me; however, the truth is that I feel for him just as intensely...only in an entirely different manner.  Other times I think of the past and how others have turned out in my life and believe that he is only interested in the physical aspect of a relationship with me, but somewhere deep down I cannot really believe that.  I try to think that perhaps it is vise versa, but that is not me...whoever I am.  I can't help but feel that as much as he lifts me up, he also suppresses me.  He seems to accept me...but can never understand me.  He doesn't realize that loving him does not mean tending to his every juvenile and paranoid whim.

     As for other guys, which inevitably exist in this sort of scenario, though the freshness of a relationship with them is biologically appealing, I know that their intentions basically suck.  Some vye for my affections, only to recieve bitter reply in my wounded state, while one...I continue to pine for uncontrollably and unrequitedly-perhaps simply for the fact that I can't have him, which is human nature in all it's glory.  Adam, my only good guy friend here in Orlando, tells me that I must think rationally and mentally invalidate the thoughts that coincide with my useless feelings for the kid, so I am trying.  I have really gained nothing from it.  I just can't help but think that I could make him happy and that somehow we fit together.  He just has this way of making me feel inferior...but the truth is, he probably doesn't diserve me.  As concieted as that may sound, I feel I differ from him and others in that my heart is next to always in the right place...and he's never proved his close.  It is easy to sit on your ass and say anything on the internet, isn't it?  To actually be proactive in seeing some one...perhaps, returning the favor of them trying to just be in your presence for so long to no avail...is apparently a beyond-difficult task.  Still, while the thought of marriage and the future makes me cringe when Eddie or any one else mentions it and the prospect of love's existance leaves me doubt...when I think of him, my mind is changed.  My heart takes over, and my integrity is at a standstill.  Would he ever feel that way for me?  Would he ever make an effort in my regard?  Would he ever be able to support me, help me?  No, no, and no.  Sheer intelligence, wit, arial font, and an alternative sex appeal are not a fair exchange for mutual appreciation, respect, and touch.

     With this, I resolved to do my best to forget about him.  I just know that no amount of lecture from others will do the trick.  It is my job alone.  I have also decided that since Eddie will clearly not be out of my life altogether anytime soon, and I still, dare I say, love him...I may as well give it my all one last time.

     I will write about my birthday later.

And growing up was difficult from the inside looking out

But if outside looking in you wouldn’t know about

the many and near between nights of blood and tears

the quiet realization of most every parent’s fears

when the ones assigned to love you are the ones that make you cry

when you think of how you’re living and you just want to die

where are you supposed to turn when your directions were wrong

and the only maps available are lyrics to a song

but sometimes you can’t find one to which you can relate

so you write one on your wrists, taking control of your fate

and as some one who scars easily you never can forget

no matter how hard you try never to regret

the friend you thought of as a diary, just one that could talk back

closes to your venting just when you think you're on track

and so the vicious cycle of misplaced trust persists

while you pretend to live the life that every one insists

wear a smile ‘til it hurts, force a laugh until you're numb

do it so long that you don’t even have to think for it to come

along for the ride like in your mother’s fancy car

some compensation for your father always being at the bar

wear your money like a mask and you wear it well

thinking preps are never broken so they could never tell

that you raised your family because they were never around

not in mind or spirit even though they were in town

and the grades slip just like your childhood away

in times like these you understand why they say cease the day

but someday you will win back the dark part of your soul

and parts of you will still hurt, but at least you will be whole

     Out of sheer boredom and a moderate case of cabin fever (being an under-17 college student who lives off campus with no car, who does not drink or smoke, and who suffers from chronic fatigue syndrom among other ailments), I decided to go the movies on a whim.  I had originally wanted to see "Sydney White" mostly because the movie was partially filmed at my school-University of Central Florida.  A male friend of my roomate Danielle, however, convinced us to see Kingdom instead-probably as some sort of means to suppress his anxiousness about joining the Navy in January.

     Skipping all the boring nonsense like getting popcorn and Danielle slipping in the same puddle of Gatorade twice...it ended up being the most thought-provoking movie I'd ever seen.  Well, not exactly thought provoking, but the message was beautiful and terrible simultaneously, and it was tear-jerking and chill-inducing.

     I have always been a very critical, open-minded, and somewhat liberal thinker; however, I feel I owe much of my unbias analysis of the movie's theme to my short time in Sociology (a subject I have yet to formulate a difinitive opinion about, but can identify some of it's appeals among it's many weaknesses).  My tears and sympathy with pretty much every one in the world aside, I view the movie from an objective point of view in the sense that I did not allow my own values (i.e., murder for ANY reason is wrong, etc.) and socialization to eclipse what the movie was trying to say nor the perspective of those of other beliefs.  Not exactly religious myself (due to ample exposure to different ideas from an early age as well as a logical/realist/cynical state of mind), I was able to step out of my shoes and assess the "opposing" side, which in the case of the movie was the Saudi Arabian terrorist group led by a man whose last name was, if I remember correctly, Hamza? 

     While Nick figeted in his seat, saying things like "I can't wait to get over there and kill those motherfuckers," I contemplated the current state of the World.  It seems to me the nature of societies and how they interrelate is completely wrong in itself-every culture in the world with different doctrines of beliefs is fighting for what they, with all their heart and soul, believe is right.  This causes war-something timeless and ever-present, even if not always formally addressed.  Of course, it does not always involve religion.  Perhaps it is property or politics, but no matter what, each side feels justified in defending their desired outcome.  The current war in Iraq seems to me a mixture of things including religion and politics, but I am speaking from an admittedly uneducated view in the grand scheme of things.  Take what I say as you will.

     It is utterly important to be aware that America was founded on Christian beliefs-beliefs that are relatively young, and actually a whole lot less popular than Islam.  In spite of that, it is what many of us are raised with-sometimes it is all people know and want to know.  For Americans that are not Christians, there is often at least a pride of their country instilled within them somewhere-some kind of dedication to "our side" even if they are anti-war.  Afterall, if you are anti-war, for whom do you desire of peace?  Our country and our citizens with the world.  Those that approve of the war believe that we are doing what is right and what is our duty.  In this case, we are not trying to convert the Middle East to believe that Jesus died for our sins, but rather to change everything they've ever known in how their country works and perhaps going against what Allah intends.  I'm sure that there are some that are grateful and understand America's attempt, but there are many who feel as if everything they have believed and lived by is being challenged-and they don't like it. 

     The point is, I am shocked to witness the ignorance of some people.  They are quick to believe that "we" are right, no matter what.  Yet, that is EXACTLY how other groups feel.  Yes, they should not resort to terrorism and it is true that NOT ALL IRAQIS OR SAUDIS ARE TERRORISTS, but those that are feel they are doing what Allah has bid them to.  The belief is unwavering and they have been conditioned to believe this their entire lives.  Suicide bombers pray to their God before detination.  They teach their kids their goals in order to continue the movement.  They ultimately die of their cause, completely willing.  It should be obvious how much they believe in what they are doing.  Yes, it is extreme.  Yes, it seems universally immoral.  What people need to realize is that they feel as justified in their efforts as we do in combating them.  The movie asks whose side Allah is on-but both parties lose, and both prevail.

     I thought of this throughout the entire movie, but they really brought it together in the end.  It provided clear and moving insight into the reality of the situation and that members of other groups and countries are people too-they have families, feelings...Maybe some are crazy-I don't know.  Either way, we cannot stereotype and we need to see things from other perspectives.  If somebody told you that you were living a lie-that everything you believed was right, from democracy to monogamy to your religion to honesty-was wrong, how would you feel?  What would you do in defense of your profound positions and beliefs?

     I do not presume to know much about this, nor do I assume that I am informing a vast majority of blog-readers of some novel idea.  I merely wish to express my opinion based on what little I know and convey my contempt of some others that I have observed.  I am not anti-war, because I don't feel qualified of making such a decision-it seems nearly impossible to me to say what is right and wrong anymore.  I am in no way anti-soldier...they are brave people, and of course-they're fighting for what they believe in.  I find it difficult to be pro-peace as I have trouble being a proponent of something I have yet to see in existance, really.  I don't know if I am right, and maybe this will get rude comments.  My only feelings right now: I hate the world today.  As much as I don't want to contribute to anymore hate in this world, I can't say it any other way.  I want to feel grateful for everything I have, but there are things so much bigger and I have an over-empathetic heart.  I cried for a half hour after that movie...resentful of the cyclic, seemingly unstoppable fighting and injustice-not of any group or even person, but rather how things operate as a whole-whether it be unstructured, unplanned, and naturally occuring, or blue-printed drafted by a higher being and a portion of a destiny we may never live to see.  I wish I could be the girl who worries about what outfit she is going to wear tomorrow instead and I'm sometimes sad that I am not.  Everything is shades of grey and ignorance is bliss.  It sucks and I feel helpless, stupid, and afraid.